Dr Jessen, unsurprisingly, emerged from this investigation as gay as he went in Let me ask you this. Do you own a pair of light tan shoes? Colourful, well-pressed check shirts? Do you possess any classical CDs? Do you – there's no easy way to say this – enjoy listening to Adele? Then, my friend, you are a gay man and, as part of your $3,000 per month de-gaying, these indicators of your deviant lifestyle will be taken from you and – quite possibly – burned on a ceremonial pyre.

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