Cold Lasagne Hate Myself 1999 is a stand-up routine by the British comedian James Acaster. It was toured across the UK in 2018 and 2019 and recorded as a stand-up special for release on DICE in 2019 and Vimeo in 2021.

In the special, Acaster describes the best year of his lifetime—1999—and the worst—2017. He recounts a disastrous performance on The Great British Bake Off; during the recording, he was jet-lagged and called the Samaritans helpline. Breakups and rejection issues, which he was able to identify in therapy, are recurring themes. Examples include a breakup in which his partner subsequently began a relationship with Rowan Atkinson (known for playing Mr. Bean); a deteriorating relationship with his agent; and a therapist who oversteps Acaster's boundaries.

The routine received critical acclaim, with Acaster receiving the Melbourne International Comedy Festival Award, a Chortle Award and several five-star reviews. Critics praised Acaster's precise wording, absurdism, unexpected punchlines and narrative structure. The performance was named after an anecdote about drunkenly eating cold lasagne that was cut from the final performance. Acaster was surprised at the level of heckling in response to commentary on mental health. A clip of Acaster talking about "edgy" comedians who criticise transgender people went viral when Ricky Gervais and Dave Chappelle released stand-up specials containing these themes.